Ryan McFarland

I have decided to pit two movies against each other for my movie reviews. We watch such a variety of films comparing odd combinations seems like a fun way to look at them. Last night we watched 2005’s The Brothers Grimm and the night before was Xanadu from 1980. Let’s put them head to head and see which movie is victorious.

Cast - Grimm has Heath Ledger, Matt Damon, Peter Stormare (Dancer in the Dark and Armageddon), Monica Bellucci (i recognized as Persephone from Matrix Revolutions and apparently was in Passion of the Christ [mental note to add that to the list]), Jonathan Pryce (Pirates of the Caribbean), and another actor from the Pirates movies - the guy with the strange eyes - Mackenzie Crook. Xanadu had Olivia Newton-John, Gene Kelly, and Michael Beck. The only fair fight would be pitting Monica against Olivia. Olivia wore frumpy clothing and almost always had her ankles covered - perhaps to hide her cankles. Monica wore a flowing queen’s dress but it - uh - revealed cleavage. Grimm wins.

Soundtrack - Since Xanadu was a musical the win is a cakewalk. It’s been two days and the title track is still in my head.

Director - Xanadu was directed by Robert Greenwald. Doesn’t ring a bell does it? In 2004 he directed Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch’s War on Journalism. If Robert was fighting against almost any other director he might have a chance. Sadly, The Brothers Grimm was directed by Terry Gilliam. Terry also directed Twelve Monkeys, Brazil, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Meaning of Life, and Time Bandits. Terry was the only American in the Monty Python crew. He did all the animations for the television show and the movies. Uh, we have a first round knockout here. Grimm wins.

Rollerskating - There is no rollerskating in The Brothers Grimm. There seem to be hundreds of roller skaters in Xanadu. I think about one third of the film had someone on skates somewhere in a frame. Win: Xanadu.

Bacon - No, not your typical 7 ways to Kevin Bacon - that’s far too easy with movies using the internet as a reference. We’re talking about real bacon and the winner is The Brothers Grimm. Since the movie has loose ties to Grimm tales the connection it has is to a real Grimm story - that of Clever Hans.

“Good day, Gretel.”
“Good day, Hans. Are you bringing something good?”
“Bringing nothing. Want something.”
Gretel gives Hans a piece of bacon.
“Good-bye, Gretel.”

It was a close match but with Monica’s cleavage, the close connection to bacon, and Gilliam’s omnipotence The Brother’s Grimm wins.