Ryan McFarland

I don’t cook a whole lot but there are some specialties that i make. I will now spill my secrets.

Salsa
I took a salsa making class from Doc and Bev Lopez almost six years ago. I have fine tuned the ingredients a bit but no batch is ever the same. For the best salsa do not even consider a blender, food processor, or even a salsa maker. Cut all ingredients by hand. You’ll need:
6 firm roma tomatoes
1 head of garlic (not 1 clove - a whole head)
1 or 2 bundles of green onions
1 can of corn (drained)
1 or 2 bundles of cilantro (i always get two)
1-3 jalapeno or habanero peppers (be very careful with the habanero)
I really suggest using gloves or a plastic bag when cutting the onions and peppers. That way when your eyes are watering from the salsa taste you can actually wipe away the tears without scalding yourself more. Chop everything up and mix in a large bowl. Make sure the peppers are cut up tiny. Do not add bacon. Eat within 3 days by dipping tortilla chips into the bowl, scooping salsa, and inserting chip into your salivating orfice.

Chili
This one is easy and fast - especially if you have leftover meat from tacos or something around already. You need:
1 can of pinto beans (not drained)
1 can of kidney beans (not drained)
1 can of corn (drained)
1/2 pound of cooked meat (ground beef, moose, venison, caribou, chicken, etc.)
1 can of tomatoes (diced, sauce, paste, even tomato soup)
Lots of spices
Mix all ingredients in a pretty big pot. Stir while adding spice after spice. I add almost 15 and it never is the same amount. You want chili powder, garlic and onion powder, garlic and onion salt, freeze dried chives, all kinds of pepper, dill, oregano, parsley… you get the picture. Heat until it bubbles a bit, turn off the stove and eat. Cooked bacon may be added. Crackers (such as Saltines) go well with this. If you were a real cook cornbread would go well too. A dollop of sour cream and a sprinkle of cheese on top helps cool the mixture down a bit. Best eaten when you have 24 hours that you can fart freely following the meal. Not advised for before big meetings, dates that may lead to sexual encounters, prior to pool parties, or right before any sort of physical exam where someone might be checking your bum.

Guinness Shake
Warm weather? Beer not cold enough? How about a beer milkshake? Obviously not any old beer will work for this. Newcastle might be alright. Having tried Guinness once i can suggest it. We used french vanilla but vanilla bean might be even better.
1 can of Guinness
0 strips of bacon
Vanilla ice cream
Don’t add too much beer to the mixture. Scoop out ice cream into the blender. In my case there wasn’t much ice cream and it was frozen solid so i poured the beer into the tub of ice cream. It looked like a beer float. Anyway, mix the two ingredients in a blender. Pour into a glass and enjoy using a straw. If you have a bendy straw that’s even better. Addition of Kalua and/or vanilla is a nice touch also.